The Big step – moving in together

November 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

The first period of dating is always a romantic time, when everyone has a tendency to idealize the partner. When everything goes well in the first time and you are endlessly in love with your partner, you silently start thinking about the Big step – moving in together. This is a step, that you are eager to take, when being in love – you fantasize about waking up together, having the morning coffee on a terrace, lit by tender morning sun rays, about being welcomed at home after a hard working day with a warm hug and delicious dinner on the table. But will it actually be so carefree as you want to expect? Is it worth to hurry with moving in together?

WHAT CHANGES AFTER MOVING IN?

The first days could be fantastic, when the partners will take care of each other, show attention, choose some common stuff to buy and enjoy the happiness of being together. But after a few days the routine lifestyle of each partner will show up. If you have been living by yourself for some time, then it is hard to accept a new environment around and a new order. Suddenly you will start noticing things, that don’t satisfy you about your partner –  for example, dirty socks in the bed, messy papers on your desk, your favorite pen missing and the last yoghurt disappeared from the fridge. You will see, that your partner has a more casual side than the figure, that you adored in your first dates. Some things will start really to annoy you. If you are used to go to bed early, but your girlfriend or boyfriend likes to watch TV loud late at night, you will notice, that you are disturbing each other. Should he or she stop watching TV or should you start going to bed later – neither of these choices are pleasant to accept for both partners. If you are used to your old lifestyle and suddenly you have to change it, you will be annoyed. This is where negotiations start, which may be accompanied by quarrels, anger and intolerance. But a solution has to be found and you will negotiate until you will decide upon something. It will usually take a sacrifice from one or both sides – living together is an art of conforming. And the more things you will have together – a house, a dog, money, children, holidays etc., the more negotiations you will have every day. You will be deprived of the freedom of choice, when living with your partner – you will always have to take into consideration his or her opinion. Be careful, that your life doesn’t turn into a sitting of the court, where the attorney and prosecutor continuously exchange arguments.

The worst case is, if your partner hasn’t been living together with anybody for a longer time. Then he or she doesn’t know, what it takes to live together with somebody. Living together means taking care about a common apartment, a common car, maybe a common pet and other common things. Common things mean common duties and duties always lead to some problems. It is possible, that after some time your partner will get a feeling, that you are the cause of all problems. It can happen knowingly or subconsciously – if living together with you results in so many problems, then probably it is your fault. He might think, that he didn’t have such a complicated life before he met you, but it is important to make him understand, that you are not the cause of all problems – it’s the changes of status. Now he is not single anymore, he has more responsibility and he has to take into consideration somebody else, not just himself. It is important to terminate this wrong perception of fault at the very beginning – otherwise his attitude will change towards you – he will start blaming you in all the problems and he may become aggressively minded. The level of aggression is dependent on the level of emotionality of the person. If this happens, then no further negotiations are possible. Each discussion will lead to a conflict because your partner won’t listen to you. Aggression is a weapon, which kills the common sense and eliminates any logical approach. If your partner has a tendency to become aggressive, you will argue about small and irrelevant things, which are actually the result of the conflict, not the real cause. By solving these small things the conflict between the partners can not be solved – they have to look deeper and understand, how they perceive each other – is it the right way? Do you perceive each other as opponents, competitors or partners as it should be?

Love and living together will take a lot of negotiations and compliance. You have to remember to show gestures of attention and care to your partner, then also the negotiating process will become easier. And if you want to know, what it will be like to live together, take a look, how your partner treats people, that he or she has been living together before. For example, how does your partner treat the parents – is he or she always polite, tolerant and respectful?

PERMANENT WARMNESS

Is living together a continuous torture, that you can not avoid in any case? I don’t think, that most people would agree with this. There are some priceless things about living together too – the warm feeling, that somebody is waiting for you at home, the feeling, that you can rely on somebody, the dreams, that you fantasize together about your next holiday, your new house or renovating your old one and the wish to bring joy into the hearts of your beloved family members. This is what love really is about – not the first explosive emotions of falling in love, but the permanent warm feeling in your heart, which comes with living together and taking care of each other. It is stronger than anything else and, when you have that permanent warmness inside you, then casual misfortunes like dirty socks or a messy desk don’t matter anymore.

Enjoy the first romantic period with your girlfriend or boyfriend – it will never seem so perfect again! Don’t rush with moving in together – it is much more pleasant to dream about it than to actually do it. But when you have finally done it, be sure, that you light that permanent warmness in your heart, which will help you to overcome the everyday misfortunes and light the way to a beautiful life road together.

You are welcome to share your experience here – what happened, when you moved in with your girlfriend or boyfriend? Was it easy to get adjusted to each other? Did you have to change something in your lifestyle? Did your impression change about your beloved partner?

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